کوچکتر که بودم. نوشتن انشای بچه ها برام بهترین تفریح بود. نمی دونستم چرا؟ اما وقتی یه نفر ازم می خواست که براش بنویسم واقعا خوشحال می شدم
بدون هیچ انقلت و بهونه ای قبول می کردم
تازه خیلی وقت ها لقمه نون و پنیرم رو هم بهش می دادم. چون اگه قرار بود، بنویسم. دیگه وقت پیدا نمی کردم، چیزی بخورم.
همه فکر و ذهنم می شد نوشتن تا دست نوشته ام انقدر خوب بشه که دوستم به خاطرش ذوق کنه و برق نگاهش پر از موج شادی بشه.
زنگ ورزش با همه اشتیاقی که داشتم دست به توپ نمی زدم. وسطی بازی نمی کردم. با بچه ها آب بازی نمی کردم و دور حیاط نمی دویدم، تقریبا هیچ کاری نمی کردم فقط برای اینکه بنویسم .
لحظات نوشتن رو دوست داشتم درست مثل همون موقع هایی که شیرینی خامه ای می خوردم و تا ساعت ها خودم رو از خوردن هر خوراکی دیگه حتی آب محروم می کردم تا حس خوب و مزه شیرینش از خاطرم محو نشه. با من بمونه تا حال دلم از شیرینی بودنش خوب و خوبتر بشه.
اما افسوس هیچکس حتی معلم ادبیاتم که انشاهای من رو تو کلاس های دیگه برای بچه ها می خوند و من خیلی دوستش داشتم، نگفت که نوشتن بشه راهم.
بشه رسم زندگیم و یه تکلیف اجباری که هیچ وقت از گوشه ذهنم پاک نشه و قلم و کاغد تو مدار نگاهم همیشه باشن تا با مشق هر روزه، برسم به جایی که هیچ کتابی از تیر رس نگاهم دور نشه.
حیف هیچ کس نگفت راه کدومه؟
اون روزها. بچگی هام با همه تلخی ها و شیرینی هاش تموم شد و حالا من موندم با زمان های از دست رفته ای که باید جبران مافات می کردم.
خیلی وقت ها دلم برای نوشتن تنگ میشه. دلم پر میزنه که بنویسم. اما اجازه ندارم. اجازه ندارم دست درازی کنم و از کلمه ها کمک بگیرم. قفل میشم . انگار تقدیر ننوشتن رو به من تحمیل می کنه تا درد بکشم و رسم دوستی و عاشقی با قلم و کاغذ رو یاد بگیرم. یه سرنوشت محتوم که ناچارم باهاش کنار بیام!
بهار سال ۹۶ که خیلی از فرصت ها رو از دست داده و تقریبا نوشتن رو فراموش کرده بودم و جز در موارد محدود که نیاز بود، دست به قلم نمی بردم و به کاغذ نگاه نمی کردم و تو شلوغی زندگی چنان گم شده بودم که آدرس خودم رو هم فراموش کرده بودم. یه اتفاق باز هم جرقه نوشتن رو تو دلم که فقط تلی از خاکستر ازش مونده بود، زنده کرد و دوباره پرده ای از اشک تو نگاهم حلقه زد از حس خوب نوشتن و قلم به دست گرفتن که تو وجودم زنده شده بود.
به لطف خدا یه سردبیر قلمم رو تو تاریکی بودن و نبودن دید و با یه تشویق و یه احسنت و آفرین که مدتها بود جاش تو دلم خالی بود، من رو به نوشتن و کتاب خواندن دوباره ترغیب کرد.
حالا من خودم رو مدیون ایشون می دونم.
جناب عرفان که بی هیچ چشمداشتی الفبای درست نوشتن رو یادم داد. دستم رو گرفت و از اول تاتی تاتی رفتن تو مسیر نویسندگی رو بهم آموخت.
هنوز هم که هنوزه از دست ندانم کاری های من خسته نشده و همچنان صبورانه سیاه مشق های من رو تو وقت های اضافه می خونه و صمیمانه هر وقت نیاز باشه گوشم رو می پیچونه تا از مسیر نوشتن منحرف نشم. خدا حفظش کنه. از آدم های نیک روزگاره!
امسال هم به لطف کرونا و خونه نشینی اجباری با جناب کلانتری و سایت ایشون آشنا شدم
جان تازه ای در روح خموده من دمیده شد
حالا به لطف حرف ها و صحبت های انگیزشی و امیدوار کننده جناب کلانتری، تقریبا هر روز به قلم و کاغذم حتی از فرسنگ ها دور سلام می کنم و می نویسم تا دلخوش باشند که من هنوز هستم و امیدوار به روزها و فرداهای نیامده.
امیدوار به صرف فعل توانستن حتی در لحظه هایی که زمان می میرد و از در ورودی اتاق دلم با دسته گلی پژمرده لحظات را به زنجیر می کشد تا فرصت های بر باد رفته ام فزون تر شده و اندوه نشسته بر جانم خاکستر سرخی شود که هر ان شعله ور تر شده و در گوش جانم زمزمه غمبار و تلخ روزگار را دوباره نجوا کند!
سلام زهرا جان
چهقدر واضح و صریح و دوستداشتنی خودت رو معرفی کردی و خود واقعیت رو انگار میدیدم.
شروع کردن و اقدام کردنت برای نوشتن قابل تحسینه، بهت تبریک میگم
ممنونم از تعریفت. نازنین بانو
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